Meet the Flat Tail Pickers

FTP

FTP is simply Bart playing anything he can get his hands on, Unit 3 banging the skins, and Hans strumming an acoustic and lending his voice. The sound of the Flat Tail Pickers is best described in this excerpt from the Tahlequah Times.

“…Imagine if a choir of angels got wasted on low-end booze and found out, at the peak of drunkenness, that their babies left them for some jackass demons. Then imagine that they picked up honky-tonk instruments and played songs that mean a heck of a lot to a wounded, but highly pissed off, heart. That, my friends, is the Flat Tail Pickers sound. It’s like a train is coming and you ought to dance right on the tracks. Drummer Dusty Spetz kept a savage beat, and Sammy Hagar of the week, Hans Halvorsen, did a convincing if not spectacular job. Yet again, it was Featherstone’s wild talent that carried the show. He’s a true musical wizard and the best picker in these parts. The FTP sound has the sweet undertones of a finely tuned 1970 Ford truck that gently rumbles your soul…”

 

Get to Know the Characters

Take a minute and get to know the characters from The Power of Zahn. Look for coming posts that will introduce the Flat Tail Pickers, Hans Halvorsen’s love interests, and some important secondary characters.

Hans Halvorsen/Zahn
Hans Halvorsen (aka Zahn) was born to second-generation Danish immigrants, and took the looks of his Norse forefathers: Barrel chest, sandy hair, and murky blue eyes. Hans wakes from the Darkness to discover aching gums and strange megapowers. But more alarming to him initially is his hairline. A war was raging, and the follicles on his upper forehead had singled for a retreat and pulled back the troops.

In Tahlequah, Hans goes to work at Cherokee Bob’s Floats, where he joins up with Bart Featherstone and Unit 3 as part of their honky-tonk band, the Flat Tail Pickers (FTP). On the river, mild-mannered Hans typically sports 1990’s style Hawaiian shorts and homemade concert T-shirts. Needless to say, his lack of style is recognized by the ladies.

Hans transforms into megahero Zahn by putting on black rimmed trifocals obtained from his former Seattleite friend, Coke Bottles McGee. The transformation is instantaneous. His front chompers extend, his arms and legs shorten and thicken, and webs form between his toes. The lightning fast metamorphosis blows his mind. It is equal parts supernatural gift and unholy curse. To hide his identity, Zahn wears a brown wetsuit with a yellow Z emblazoned across the chest and matching aqua socks. The entire outfit is finished off with a beaver fur hat, complete with a tail down the back.

Capon
Capon is an evil combination of Ross Perot, George Bush and Ed Walden and is the eccentric chicken billionaire and owner/founder of Capon’s Chicken Chunks, located in your grocer’s freezer. He resides in Golden Gallina Hotel and Casino, a giant chicken themed casino along the banks of the Illinois River. He originally built it to gain membership with the Cherokee Nation, but the scheme was rejected by Chief Whitekiller. Capon intends to use his evilness (and the help of some powers gained by a deal with the Devil) to exact revenge on the Cherokee Nation, specifically Stud Wesley.

A disproportionate man, Capon’s arms and chest are Mr. Universe quality, while his waist measures only twenty-five inches and thighs as thick as a caveman’s club run into pool stick calves. His entire body is wrapped in gleaming white skin, plucked clean of any hair except for the top of his head.

Bart Featherstone
Cherokee Indian and member of the Order of the Beaver, Bart Featherstone is responsible for discovering the Mark of the Beaver on Hans’ arm and recognizing the Power of Zahn within him. He desperately wants to avenge the death of his beloved Snoqualmie at the talons of Capon’s giant chicken warriors.

Bart is the leader and co-founder of the Flat Tail Pickers. He is a masterful musician who chooses his words as if he had only been allotted a certain number of them.

Dusty “Unit 3” Spetz
Dusty was the Christian name bestowed upon Unit 3 by his mama, but all the employees at Cherokee Bob’s refer to him by his CB call name and true identity. Every summer since the scorcher of ’78, Unit 3 has worked the 26-mile landing and ordered around all the college kids who buck canoes on the scenic river.

For a man teetering towards half-century of hard living, 3 is in pretty good shape. His arms and legs are cut, and his leathery skin could be used to make a saddle. Only his belly shows the signs of his beer chugging, potato chip diet. It looks like he’s stuffed a pony keg under his wife-beater. Any time Thad or one of the other frat boys joke about Unit 3 being in his second trimester; he always comes back with, “Pregnant with an African elephant. Trunk’s already been born. Want to see ‘er?”

Unit 3 is the cofounder of the Flat Tail Pickers. He quickly becomes Hans’ best friend and helps him to discover his megahero abilities. Like Bart, Unit 3 seeks revenge on Capon. His son from his second common-law marriage sits in prison due to his involvement with Capon’s drug enterprises.

The Great Beaver
The Great Beaver was the prophesized flat tail with the heart of a bear who would give his eternal spirit to a mortal man. The prophecy proclaims that this fair skinned tribesman will deliver the Cherokee from evil. A society of Cherokee tribal elders, The Order of the Beaver, has monitored him as far back as anyone’s grandfather can recall. The Great Beaver is not a myth, but rather a 127 pound, teeth-and-fur giant flat tail. The natives say he was born with the earth and rose from the mud and fallen trees.

It’s Monday…Add some words to your vocabulary!

Megahero – (n). A new genre of hero, having depth and complexity far exceeding the traditional superhero.

Zahn – (n). Someone with a large or peculiar tooth or a remarkable set of teeth.

Capon – (n). A castrated rooster.

 

 

The Power of Zahn – Synopsis

The Power of Zahn is the coming of age story of a thirty-something megahero named Hans Halvorsen.  On December 6, 1994, as his band, The Spitting Cobras, is one gig away from a record deal, fate disguised as tragedy freezes Hans to the core and sinks its teeth deep into his left forearm, leaving the mark of the Great Beaver and sending Halvorsen into a deep coma he’ll come to refer to as the Darkness.  Hans, in a sense, dies on that day and Zahn is born.

The sounds of old country music and a quiet voice find him in the black.  The voice belongs to Bart Featherstone and speaks of Hans’s destiny as the prophesized hero of Cherokee folklore.  He invites Hans to join his honkytonk band, the Flat Tail Pickers, in Oklahoma.  A decade passes and the voice and music, his only companions, depart in a sad farewell.

The ex-farmhand from the north country of Luck, Wisconsin soon wakes to find a 32-year-old balding mug staring back at him in the mirror.  An aching void has replaced the prime of his life in one long, painful blink.  Two large teeth jut from his gums, the first sign of his emerging mega-abilities derived from the flat-tail beaver.  The world Hans knew is gone.  Seattle grunge music-his life’s work-is now locked away forever in the annals of rock history.

In a state of confusion, Hans jumps into his 1970 Ford pickup, lovingly named Old Blue, and journeys 2,000 miles to rural Oklahoma and the banks of the scenic Illinois River for answers.  At Cherokee Bob’s Floats outside of Tahlequah, Hans finds a new band, a new love, and true gang of friends. He encounters his evil nemesis Capon, as well as the Power of Zahn that dwells within himself.

At the heart of the story is the battle between Zahn and Capon:  The Great Beaver Spirit versus the morally bankrupt, cockfighting billionaire.  Hans’s powers are a matter of spiritual fate, and frankly he would rather not carry the burden.  Capon’s supernatural evil came at the highest price, a rotten deal that sent his soul to the Devil in exchange for a handful of ridiculous powers.

Capon, a coked-out Mafioso type fronting as the founder and C.E.O. of Capon’s Chicken Chunks, masterminds a plot to break the hearts and wallets of the Cherokee Nation. There’s only one thing the beaver man can do to save them, but it takes the entire odyssey for Zahn to realize his destiny.

The story is true to the superhero genre, but also dives into uncharted waters. Gone is the bustling Metropolis; in its place are the small town of Tahlequah and the river which dances along its outskirts. The book is an ode to the country people of Oklahoma and the state’s natural geography.

Hans’s supporting gang and rockabilly band mates, Bart Featherstone and Dusty “Unit 3” Spetz, own the story as much as Zahn.  Unit 3, haunted by the fact that his beloved son from his third common-law marriage is jailed for running Capon’s meth lab, is willing to do anything to gain his freedom.  Bart Featherstone’s love of music coupled with heartbreak provides a sweet and tender side to the story, while his driving need for revenge shades the story in darkness.  The love triangle between Loraine Getter and her suitors, blue collar Hans and the silver spoon son-of-a-politician, Thomas Tucky, adds romance.

The Power of Zahn is social satire drenched in irreverent and absurd humor.